TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historic tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the finest. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Sure, positive, let's have One more position where by American Adult males can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: supply Every person a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be soft electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It really is that he should cease working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the project, replied, "You realize, guy, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Terrific tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head seen from Room, a function being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after obtaining the creating's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It's not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Complicated Options


Perhaps the strangest factor with the Trump Tower Damascus tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may perhaps contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing System: "If You Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Eternally."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "where by's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting interest from Global investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will likely contain:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to check out a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD might have convert-down assistance."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Feelings from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You're welcome."

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